New Year, New Me... hang on didn't I say that last year?

Weight: 91.7kgs
201.7 pounds
Job: none
Happiness: loads :)

Well...I guess it's time to look at last year and figure out what went wrong, I am trying to convince myself that it's because of this shitty disorder that I am still overweight. I thought I would be a much nicer shape by now, I didn't think I would still be spending my Saturday nights alone, but shock horror, guess what my plans are for this Saturday night are?! 2 hours of the Gilmore Girls!!!! yeah I know, awesome!
So what was holding me back last year?
one thing that comes to mind was my awful job, so that job is no more. I am currently unemployed about to go back to studying, I am really excited about it :)
I worked for a horrible little hobbit of a man, who hated me, the feeling was mutual. Small man syndrome does exsist, because he has it. Such a pompous prick. What kind of employer says this...

Me: "D.... I'd like some holidays please, to spend some time with my daughters"
D....: "What would they want to spend time with you for"

See.. asshole!

I left work last thursday, and I feel so much better about myself. Looking back through my blog I can see that I only lost about 2 kilos the whole time I was at work, I lost most of my weight when I was off work with my broken arm.
And now that I am not working I've already lost 2 kilos. It must have been that job that was holding me back, my job was very physical, lots of heavy lifting, on my feet all day, but also very stressful, I was never really eating the wrong things, so I don't know what happened. But as soon as I leave there, the weight is coming off again :)

I was told last night that I look relaxed, that for the past 8 months I've walked around looking pissed off, and now I look calm. I am not struggling with junk food, I am quite happy to eat healthy foods, and I'm even wearing much nicer more figure hugging clothes :)
I don't really care about being single, no honestly I don't, love will come to me, whether it be someone new or someone I already know.

This year WILL be my year :)

second fat scan over and done with

I'm going to start writing this for me, not that I haven't before, but fluffy bunnies aside, I am sick of myself, I don't want to be told how well I am doing, because I really don't feel like I am and right now I don't want to see reason. I would rather wallow in my own self pity so I'm not going let people know when I update this, I want this to be a full on feelings diary of how disgusting I feel right now.
There is nothing more confronting to me than seeing a scan of my body, and seeing my 'fat' measurements. There are times when I think I look great, I don't see myself as big as I actually am. I watch TV shows like 'you are what you eat' and that other fat reality show on channel ten and when I see the women's weights I compare myself to them and more often than not I think to myself that I don't look like them, even if our weights are the same, I try and convince myself that they are bigger than me. I say out loud that that's what I look like and my beautiful daughters say "you don't mum, you're much thinner" I love my girls and they only want me to be happy, but if some chubby chick is the same height as me, and weighs as much as me, then I'm pretty sure that we must look the same. I get disappointed when these women exercise so much and eat so well and then lose less than a kilo in a week. If they are working out 6 hours a day, how can they only lose 1kg?!?! that makes me think that I have no hope. I watched a medical show tonight, a poor woman had a non-malignant tumor growing on her skin, wrapping itself around her body and it weighed 90kgs! That disgusting mass weighed almost as much as me! but in my misery, while they were slicing the tumor off her I wished that I could have my fat sliced off me just like that tumor. I worry that I am going to start to go back to my old ways, starving myself, taking laxatives... anything just to lose some weight quickly. I had dreams of looking stunning this summer, wearing a bikini and finding someone to love me, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen this year. There are loads of replies to my ad, and there are a few guys that I am talking to, but there is no way in this world that I will be wearing a bikini or feeling confident enough to take any amount of clothing of infront of or around them.
When my scan was done today and the person doing the scan (Marian) went through the results with me, I cried. I couldn't help it. I would love to post a pic of what my scan looks like but on the off chance that someones stumbles to this blog, I couldn't cope knowing that someone else had seen the picture, it's bad enough that it is in my hand bag waiting for the dietitian to see it. I cried because of how disgusting it makes me look and that just reflected how I am feeling. Poor Marian tried to make me feel better by saying that my body fat percentage had gone down, but my muscle mass has gone down a kilo. (I don't understand how my muscle mass has gone down)
I guess the good news is is that I am not going to give up, I never want to weigh 100kgs again, I don't want to weigh 93kgs, I want to weigh 60kgs, I want to be beautiful, not for anyone else, just for me.

Diet Study is almost over!

Weight 92.9kgs
204 pounds :(
The study is almost over and I'm still FAAAAAT!
I know I should be happy that I've been losing weight but in 7 months I haven't even lost 10 kgs. I started off so well, but it didn't keep going smoothly. Never mind, being about 93kgs is better than being 103kgs. I would like to lose another 10 kgs by christmas. HA! don't see that happening, if it hasn't gone in 7 months, it isn't going to go in the next 12 or so weeks.
Good thing is that I'm on holidays with my girls at the moment, we're not really going anywhere, probably will end up going camping again this time up the coast to a beautiful beach :)


I've got my last test tomorrow, another DEXA scan at a hospital in Sydney. I am looking forward to see if my body has changed much, I hope so. I didn't start out with a mega gut so it's hard for me to tell.

FINALLY!!

I did want to post, I kept thinking about stuff to write but I couldn't be positive when my weight was depressing me so much.
I can't believe it has taken 2 1/2 months to get below 94! I finally did it, this morning when I weighed myself I was 93.7kgs (206.5 pounds down from 222.6) I still feel like a fat cow, but I look a lot better (i think?) I fit into some sexy lingerie that I bought a few years ago ;D

Not moving the weight was making me miserable, I cried when I weighed myself, I would get to 94.1kgs and then go back up. I would exercise, continue to eat well and my weight wouldn't go lower, just higher then I'd lose a bit then go back up. I kept hearing about having a "plateau" but not for 10 weeks!
I haven't done many things differently, I stopped eating brown rice and I finally had a period (grow up most females have them) I hadn't had one since I went back to work.
Kate my lovely dietitian wont be happy when i tell her about the rice, but I felt like it was clogging me up.

I'm still single (big surprise) but I've joined a few dating sites, and I am going to do someting else, so maybe that means I am feeling better about the way I look :)

I am crossing my fingers that when I turn 33 in a month I'll weigh 90 (198 pounds) or below, I'll admit I'm scared, I don't want to have another 10 week plateau, I don't want to be big in summer, I want to go to the beach without having to be completely covered up, I want to fit into the gorgeous new summer outfits without having to buy them at 16-26, I want to buy sexy sexy sexy gorgeous lingerie and most importantly right now...I want someone special to melt every time they look at me.

So.. my weight WILL go down, and I WILL be healthy and I WILL meet prince charming, my life is looking much better :)

long time... no post

Weight 94.7kgs
Loss 6.3 kgs
CM lost= 33cm!!

I've been gone a while, I'm back at work and when I get home I just want to relax with my girls. We leave at 8:15am and don't get home until about 6:15pm, it's a long day.

My weight has been going up and down, it's been very frustrating. On April 27th my weight went up to 97, it's been going from between 94.5 up to 97 for the last few weeks, I know it's mainly because I'm not organised enough at home.

I don't feel any different, I supposedly look better, but when I look in the mirror I can't see any difference, I guess 6 kilos isn't enough for me to notice :)
One of the women I work with said that my skin is looking great. My work pants are huge! but I still wear them because I'm not going to invest in new ones until these ones fall off. I have noticed a difference in my energy levels. My job is quite physical, lots of heavy lifting and I am finding that a lot easier and I sleep better :)

Feeling a bit blah at the moment, thought I'd better update

Ahhhh... relaxation!

The View From Our Camping Spot


On Tuesday morning, my daughters and I decided to go camping, I had had enough of feeling miserable, I needed to go bush. So we went to Barrington Tops, a place where I used to go camping a lot with my family when I was younger.
I can't say enough about how much better I feel after our little holiday. We stayed two nights, camping in our little tent, no flush toilets, no showers, no electricity, it was heaven! Barrington Tops is such a beautiful place, it makes you feel calm from the moment you start driving past Gloucester, the air changes, it's crisp and pure. When we arrived at the camping area, we pitched the tent, put our sleeping stuff inside and went for a walk to get fire wood, we started a fire and prepared our dinner, cooking a stew over a fire is heaven! and everything tastes better when you're camping. The first night was absolutely freezing, the sky was clear, the amount of stars that you can see is amazing. The next day was cold, overcast but we didn't care, just happy to be away from the world. We went for a walk around the swamp, which is a nice long walk, over creeks, fallen logs, past Kangaroos, lots of them! Then back to camp for more relaxation. A and B made friends with a kookaburra which was always near us, they sat on the ground and fed him, he was gorgeous, and he got so close to them! By about 5pm the sky went dark and it started raining, we still had our fire, we had our dinner, we made friends with other campers and we all gathered in the community shelter and made a massive fire, it was a nice evening.
Going to sleep that night was a bit scary, walking down to our tent at 10:30pm in the rain, looking over the swamp which was covered in mist was very eerie, I didn't sleep at first, listening to the rain on our tent was calming and I ended up getting 4 1/2 hours sleep. We left the next morning and slowly made our way home. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to be peaceful for a little while longer. I don't want to go back to work next week, I don't want to be at work on A's birthday (4 months off work and they want me back on her birthday!) I want to keep that calmness that we all had for a few days.
I lost a little bit of weight, only 200grams, but I don't care, I'm still relaxed :)

I feel better :)

5 Weeks without junk food!
Weight 96.3
Loss 4.7 kgs (10.4 pounds)

The whole weight fluctuation thing is very annoying. It puts me on a downer and then magically the weight goes again. I didn't lose as much weight this week as I would have liked, but any loss is a good loss.
Thank you for the comments, because they are motivational and make me feel better :)

About a month before christmas I weighed 98kgs and when I broke my elbow and wrist on Christmas day I weighed about 94kgs. I lost that weight by drinking a certain fruit juice and having a coffee in the morning, for lunch I had smoked salmon and crackers and dinner was a stir fry. I was also busy running around all day with Christmas sales (I work in retail). I lost weight but I wasn't eating well enough, fruit juice and coffee for breakfast?! not very smart. I have now been off work for 4 months due to problems with my arm, I would have liked to go back to work at the weight I was on Christmas Eve, but oh well, I'm close enough :)
Many people don't understand how easy it is for me to gain weight, I gained 7 kilos in less that 6 weeks. I couldn't drive the whole time I had the cast on my arm (it's illegal!) so we walked everywhere! I DID NOT eat junk food all day every day, the things I did wrong were never eating breakfast, hardly ever ate lunch, and then ate too much at my dizzy time of 4pm and continued to eat too much at dinner time. We did have a lot of frozen dinners and take away a few times a week because it was difficult for me to cook. The exercise we were doing should have made a difference but it didn't, then again maybe it did and I could have started the diet study at 110kgs!
The diet study has shown me how important it is to eat breakfast and eat regularly. I think my results are proof that this way of life is so much better :)
I'm not even missing junk food. On every other diet, I would still have junk food, I would always tell myself that I would "do better tomorrow" because I "really need it now" which is bulls**t. The only person I was hurting was myself, the people who weigh you in at weight watchers and jenny craig etc don't care if you gain weight, they love it because that means you'll be paying them more money for a lot longer!
Ok that's my rant for the day :)