relief

I don't want to be here, I think about ways that I can leave. I look at my boxes of morphine tablets and I want to take them all.
I am so over the pain of lonliness, relationships, my arm, my future, everything.
I don't want to cry anymore, and that's all I seem to do
2 reasons keep me here

Bride of Frankenstien

I am never ever ever EVER going to have surgery again!
So that boob job that I wanted is not going to happen, it'll be push up bras and I might get me some chicken fillets, because there is no way I am EVER going to willinging have surgery.
I had a guy draw up the antibiotic that I'd just finished telling him that I am allergic to (steven johnson's syndrome is a bitch) luckily the anesthetist heard him and reminded him that I was allergic to it. Apart from that, I was out with the first injection, no counting back from 100 for me.
I was so worried about the surgery that it didn't even occur to me that recovery would be a bitch.
First thing I remember was that I couldn't breath, so I had oxygen etc, then the pain hit, holy hell!
I had an allergic reaction to the morphine drip (great another thing to add to the red allergy band) so they changed that to fentanyl wow that's good stuff :) "Fentanyl has an analgesic potency of about 80 times that of morphine"
So anyway, I was in hospital for 4 days which was fun apart from the pain and the pain and then the pain

dorsal scapholunate ganglion

So how would you like to have a dorsal scapholunate ganglion, I know! me too!

yay I've got one! (and MRI's suck arse)

That's what's been making my wrist hurt, so every time I warked about the pain my wrist it was because I have a dorsal scapholunate ganglion!!!!

say it with me dorsal scapholunate ganglion, dorsal scapholunate ganglion, dorsal scapholunate ganglion.

If anyone can figure out what it is, please contact me.

Surgery is at 9am tomorrow

I have to be at the hospital at 7
Super! More washing with icko hospital antibacterial soap while paying special attention to my happy bits

SEND FREAKIN FLOWERS

or your best wishes :)

love and smoochies

Update
dorsal scapholunate ganglion is a cyst, the one I have formed in a tear in my ligament and has to be surgically removed

This is the ghost of me past

I died during surgery and that's why I haven't been online for a while, but I'm back now :)

Ok I lied, I didn't even have surgery.
I was all gowned up and anti-bacterialised and waiting and waiting and my surgeon came to tell me that there were problems with the surgery before mine (I am hoping that isn't doc speak for "oops-a -daisy we killed the guy")
blah whatever, couldn't be helped, no point getting upset about it, like the stupid woman who made the comment "Hospitals have to realise that patients have lives too" yes and I like mine and would prefer not to piss anyone off who could do things to me while I'm under a general.
Surgery has been rebooked for Thursday 19th, and I wont get bumped this time, cos I get preference, yay lucky me :)

*Insert impending doom music here

Today is the day, I am leaving for hospital in 3 hours, surgery is in 6 hours. I should actually be in the shower washing my whole body, "while paying special attention to my genitalia" with some antibacterial soap stuff that they gave me, I'm also supposed to wash my hair with it, can just imagine how that's going to make my beautiful hair feel.. like friggin straw I'm guessing.
So anyway.. put simply I'm scared to death, damn didn't want to use that word. Radial Head resection, sounds like great fun, hopefully I shall be stoned off my head on pain killers by this time tonight.
Ok I'm off to pay special attention to my genitalia, damn they even have picture instructions on how I should wash hahaha

Sliced and diced

Did you know that one in 10000 people die during a general anaesthetic? Did you also know that there are lots of (happy now richy dear?) complications to be had as well?
I can even list them

* Injury at the injection site
* Infection
* Breathing problems
* Short term damage to nerves
* Allergic reaction, for example, asthma attack
* Having sensation (and pain) during the operation
* Damage to the mouth, teeth, lips or tongue
* Damage to vocal cords or larynx
* Lung damage
* Heart attack
* Brain damage
* Stroke
* Kidney failure
* Liver failure
* Paraplegia
* Quadriplegia.

Woo hoo!! So now I am super excited about having my operation!
I've never been knocked out for anything, but October the 5th is the day that I get to go unconscious for a few hours. All going well I'll be out on the 6th. Stupid broken elbow (dec 2004), because of stupid skateboarding, actually I still love skateboarding :)
My big teddy bear specialist got all happy about being able to attempt to straighten my arm while I'm knocked out, his face looked like a kid at christmas, so I mentioned morphine a few times, I don't know whether or not he thought I was being serious, but hell yes I'm being serious, give me pain drugs and keep them coming!
I've asked myself over and over whether or not I should get this done, but as the last cortisone injection gradually wears off, I know that any permanent pain relief would be great. There's no guarantee that anything will improve though. And because I am the only parent that my daughters have, I worry that I could be doing the wrong thing by them if something goes horribly wrong, yes I know that chances of that are teeny but I worry about everything.

So anyway, I'm getting prepared, writing my will, cleaning my house, hiding the toys, have got the awesome egyptian cotton sheets reading for my return, no doubt I will wash them again before I go into hospital because there's nothing like freshly sun dried egyptian cotton sheets (no fabric softener!!).. heaven!
I've asked Ky to bring me some gai pric from Sanook at Corlette OMG YUM! what else do I need? oh yeah lots of dvds, new scrubs collection is out today!!

The other things I worry about is saying stupid stuff. I say so many dumb things while I am awake, so I can just imagine what I'll be saying while I'm coming out of the anaesthetic!

And in other news,

Poor little A has broken her finger.

Her bus driver that takes her from school to the train station decided that the engine wasn't working to his satisfaction and told the kids that he was going to take the bus back to the depot so if they were in a hurry they would have to get out and run to the train station to get to their trains.

So A ran down the street to get to her train on time, she dodged some people and gracefully flew over a a big mosaic flower pot, hurting her leg and bending her finger in a position that it wasn't supposed to go in. Poor little duck was helped to the station by a nice lady, and caught her train home, her pointy finger (ok INDEX finger) on her left hand was very swollen, we took her to Hospital and after 5 hours we were told that her finger is broken, her x-rays look cooooool, nice break, luckily it didn't involve the growth plate, couple of millimetres lower and it would have, so her finger should grow normally. They strapped her finger because it's too swollen for anything else and we have to go to the fracture clinic today so they can look at it again. I did ask the doctor if she could keep doing the dishes and the evil man said no?! how fair is that?! now B and I have to do them!!!!

She was very brave and didn't cry much (I know!! this is kid that stubs her toe and cries so the street can hear!! yet she breaks a finger and hardly cries?!) she started crying after 4 hours in the hospital, poor little flower was getting very frustrated
Luckily she can still play playstation

It's my B B B Birthday!!!!

Yes it's my birthday, I am older and wiser and thinner and gorgeouser!
I am home and online cos the freaking torrential downpour that's happening outside is keeping me here, but i'm ok with that cos I bought wine yesterday :)
There's also left over chinese from last night's birthday eve dinner, there's a few cakes, loads of grolsch and the sound of freakin music is on TV hoo freakin ray! Actually I got DVDs yesterday, thank god for blockbusters two night new release thingy, it meant that I didn't have to leave the house after my champagne brekky. Lucky I went to the gym before brekky!
So happy birthday to meeeeeee happy birthday toooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gorgeous beautiful meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee happy birthday to me, hip hip hooray hip hip hoooooooooray more beeeer mooooooore beeeeeeeeeer woooooooooooooooooo!

I've got Nuthin'

Yep that pretty much sums up my recent weeks. I wish I had something exciting to say but it's all just been

• Doctors visits because I'm a head case

• CT scan on my elbow because it's FUCKED! don't ever take for granted that you can straighten your arm. B refers to me as gumby arm, oh haha

• One big arse house clean out, apparently it's all to do with me being a head case but atleast my house is getting soooo clean

• Quit tafe, yeah more head case stuff, never not completed a course in my life, even through my divorce I didn't quit, but well.. yep anyway
  

oh oh I did do something! I joined a gym, yeah I know, I'm moist with excitement too. I swear if I'm not looking hot in a bikini by christmas I'm going to cry and cry and eat chocolate

OW OW OW MUTHER FREAKING OW!!!!

God dammit!!!
That is my foot! my bleeding, aching foot!! (excuse pic quality, used my phone camera)
I haven't been too good the past few weeks, let things get on top of me, I could make a list of the dramas but I can't be bothered, because separately they sound trivial, but all together they've made me feel the lowest I have been since my divorce 6 years ago. BUT instead of dwelling on them, I've made a plan to get over them :) that does not include going to counselling "mmm hmmm yes, ok yesss, ok that's $90 when can you come next week?" screw that, if I'm paying you $90, you can solve my problems for me bitch, not nod and say "hmm mmm yes" a lot. Ok back to my foot...
The boyfriend I had when I was 12, who's now back in my life.. and who loves my butt! (yes I knew there was someone out there who did!) well anyway.. he called me this morning to see if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach, I could see it was a beautiful day, we're so lucky in this country, it's winter and it's a perfect day for the beach, so we met at my fav beach and walked around the rocks to the old nudie beach, i said OLD nudist beach meaning that they stopped it being a nudie beach cos the rich bitches on the top of the hill complained about having their perfect view spoilt by people enjoying being nekkid, so OLD nude beach..not nude beach for OLD people! yuck yuck yuck old man grey pubes blech! yeah ok I looked a few times :�
So we walked and it was nice, it's funny having him back in my life, he seems to remember all sorts of things about me, I don't remember much, but I love talking to him. Ok so everytime Vic and I go for a walk along this particular part of this particular beach, I manage to hurt myself. First time, I slipped on the rocks landed on my chunky butt and was in absolute agony, there I am trying to look gorgeous, it was our second time seeing each other and I'm flat on my back soaking wet and covered in green slime trying not to cry like a baby. I laughed oh ha ha and that night I had to take drugs not happy drugs, but pain drugs because the pain was excrutiating and was that way for many weeks afterwards, screwed a muscle at the top of my leg. Right back today, we have a lot of fun together, he's intelligent and really yum, so anyway I'm looking cute, hair's tied back, nice black jeans, t-shirt etc I'm finally feeling good, laughing lots, we're walking along the rocks, I splash him with water, he splashes me and splashes me and splashes me again (wtf?!), so I bring my leg back, kick water at him as hard as I can, swing my leg back and swipe it across some oysters, well fuck me, IT HURT!! the pain came, the blood flowed and I didn't cry, said a few swear words, held my breath, wanted to kill Vic, because it's his fault, and nice people offered advice, and I would have pushed them on the rocks if i could have moved. As the blood kept flowing, it was quite hypnotic, I thought I would take a photo cos it's better to laugh than cry and I hadn't seen so much blood in a long time. So there you go, my day was pretty darn good even though it ended with a sore bloody foot :)

Never

never again will i feel inferior
I wont be walked upon
I am not yours to destroy
you will not bring me down
and how many times
do you have to be told
I am my own person
I am not yours to mould
I can hold my head up high
knowing that I wont change
my soul is forever mine
and my memories will not be erased
but I am stronger for all
the struggles that I have had to face
the pain will never leave
and there's a part of my heart reserved
especially for the agony
that people say I deserved
each heartbreak makes me stonger
my tears are empowering to me
knowing that no longer
will I surrender to you
and one day
I will be free

Seriously.. what were you thinking?!

BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Krystal Krystal Krystal,
When your makeup was taken away you showed us how naturally beautiful you really are, I can't stand you, you irritate me like a sandy crotch, and I'm enjoying seeing you fly your true catty bitch flag, but why the hell would you fuck up your pretty head with this????

I don't think anyone in the Big Brother House actually wants to say this, but I have to, sweety you look ridiculous.
The makeup.. what can really be said about the "oops shit I slipped with my eyeliner" look
the only people to pull that off were Elvira, and Agnes Moorehead as Endora oh and Cleopatra!

The hair, oh wow, the hair, set a match to it and *poof* it would be gone, and so would the house. It. just .keeps .getting. bigger.
Does anyone in the house actually like Krystal? why would they tell her she looks good.
"Oh Krystal you are so beautiful, what? no Krystal..your hair is perfect"
I would be in another room pissing myself laughing, I wish I wish I wish ..I could have seen Gaelen's face when he saw her last night.

My darling daughter B, said Krystal looked like she was trying to grow a boob out her head.. Then proceeded to call Krystal "TITHEAD" hahahaha (B loves Little Nicky)

Damn I've never criticised anyone like this before, it feels..kinda..dirty.. hehe

Google Chunky Meat Arse!! IT'S ME! No.1!!!

The fun thing about having site meter is that I can see where people are coming from. I love it! Some people use search words I would never dream of using!
I started paying attention to the search words after I saw one guy (I am assuming) google "Chunky Meat Arse"
I wasn't offended that I was number one at google, I have a chunky arse, a very sexy curvy womanly chunky arse though!
Here's a quick list of my favourites, some have made me smile, laugh and even feel sad and there's a couple that I just think "what the f**k are you on?"

1. why does my ex keep contacting me every few weeks
2. what is the sharp shooting pain down my arms when my feelings are hurt?
3. i feel fat when i'm a chunky
4. feeling gorgeous in your thirties
5. fat taunts
6. i think you are gorgeous (yes I am!!)
   
7. kicking the ball hurts my foot
8. hunter valley chocolate shop (try the chilli chocolate!)
9. homer help me jebus
10. break up with girlfriend "don't want to die alone"
11. because you're gorgeous
12. lil chunky but
13. when a guy says you are gorgeous
14. chunky but beautiful
15. gorgeous but fat
16. swim caps but don't want to be made fun of (you will be made fun of, even if it's just by your family, but if you swim with other people, you'll look just as stupid as them, so don't worry)
    
17. fat chunky good fine booty (I've got an awesome booty!)
    
18. you're gorgeous mirror

the winner is *drum roll*
19. laughing kookaburra eats obese people

Seriously, what are you smoking? what would possess any person to google those words, and why the hell do I end up at No.1!!

Btw, I'm not dead, I've just thought it best to avoid this for a while, I'm sick of complaining about my love life etc. Some interesting stuff has happened recently though, involving my boyfriend from 21 years ago when we were 12! He found me again and turned my world upside down, some good some bad, blah whatever,
I'm back and I know some people have missed me :�
p.s Steph, I hope you're ok xx

whyyyyyyyy?

why did I choose to like computers? why do I get a thrill out of watching code work? why do my daughters like telling me I'm a nerd? and why the hell do the all mighty and powerful teachers think that databases and spreadsheets are important!?!
I HATE THEM!!
I am also currently going insane hahahahahahaha

Help me Jebus!

You know when you're having a shitty day and it's only 9:45am, and all you want is either a hug or something to make you laugh, so you drive on down the road looking for anyone willing to give you a hug because you're such a sad case and you see something on the side of the road that makes you forget you're so shitty and makes you laugh and laugh and then take photos to send to friends.
This morning I had a meeting with my youngest daughter's Principal, and I left feeling frustrated because he doesn't seem to think there's a problem with a PARENT bullying a child on school grounds!!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE BITCH, YOU DO IT AGAIN AND THE NICE SOLICITOR I SPOKE TO TODAY IS GOING TO BITCH SLAP YOU IN COURT..MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A BASTARD HER FATHER AND I WERE MARRIED!!!! SO GAME ON MOLE!!
so anyway, as I was saying ...I was a teeny tiny bit upset and I saw this sign, if you can't read it properly it says

Trust in Jebus
He is my father!!

sooo.... I kinda lost it laughing and it felt so good :)
It was such a random thing to have a 4ft tall sign about Jebus on the side of the road, and it made me laugh so much because ever since seeing Homer running around saying "Help me Jebus", my girls and I ask Jebus for sanity, as a way to laugh, when things go AFU (that would be All Fucked Up)
Thank you to who ever made that sign :)

Mum, Dad are you reading??

Get Your Drunk Personality at LiquidGeneration.com!

Haha it's funny cos it's true!

Can't wait to go out to the old divorced people's plub this weekend :)

Spring cleaning in Autumn

I had another Epiphany. They're great, when I have one I feel like my life has new clarity and I can see things getting better. Yay for me
I realised that old simple saying "life is too short"
So I decided to spring clean my life a little earlier than spring. I am getting rid of the people in my life who bring me down, who make false promises and who make me question everything about myself. Guess what? you people suck and need to find something better to do with your lives.
To my ex-husband R, You haven't seen or contacted your daughters in 6 years even though you know exactly where they are, you think that $21 child support a month is enough. You are so lucky being able to have a cash in hand job, your dream was to make surfboards, and I am glad you are living your dream, it just shits me that you can cheat the tax department and the child support agency, most of all it shits me that you can cheat your daughters out of a father. For a special ed qualified teacher, you really don't care about children too much.
To my ex-boy Ad, you're an alcoholic, don't call me and cry about how it was only one drink, that you wont do it again, guess what I don't care, I'm sick of caring about how you fuck your life up....The surfboard is going on ebay for $1 :) ahh see I feel better already.
To Voldemort.. hey guess what dickhead, you have a girlfriend, you love her remember?, you conveniently forgot about her for a few weeks, if you don't want me to tell her about what you tried to do, then quit contacting me, there's a reason I don't answer your messages or phone calls, you're a dick of the worst kind
To G in NY, you were there for me when I needed someone, you supported me through my misery and divorce and for that I will be eternally grateful, but you also screwed me over constantly "but I love you, we should be together" hey guess what you're in New York and if in seven years, no wait 8 years! you haven't figured out that you can't be with someone across the world, that you actually need to be in the same town, state, country, even hemisphere, then that's your problem, not mine, quit making promises, you persisted even when I was with other people, you caused problems and I wasn't strong enough to clear you out years ago because of everything you had done for me, but you had your chance, it's too late. Been wearing my Princess Bride t-shirt and knee high boots??
I wish I wasn't so fucking needy!!! I wish I was happy spending a lot of time on my own, but I crave having someone hold me and make me feel like I'm beautiful and special. I am worried i am going to jump straight into another relationship to get over the last one and that wouldn't be fair on the poor bastard that comes next.
I need to find peace within myself. I have had too many people in my life not give a damn about my feelings, I care about people too much, and now it's time for me to start caring about myself, I've said it so many times, but this time I need to do it. I never thought I would be in my thirties and single, I thought I would have the husband the 2 kids (got those and they're amazing) the house and the picket fence. I've held myself back from all the happiness that I deserve. I've believed too many people, put my faith in them and blamed myself for being so stupid. I am gullible, I know that. Maybe I thought I would be a better person by having someone love me. It's human nature to love and want to be loved.
Even though there have been people in my life, a lot of the time I've felt really alone. I guess I am scared of being alone, I don't want to die alone, and I don't want to live a life without being with my true love and I don't want to be the crazy lady with 60 cats that the kid's tell scary stories about and dare each other to come and knock on the door and then run away screaming before I throw a cat at them.

First ever fat taunt!

I've never had one before, that I've known about anyway.
Even when I weighed 101kgs, I never heard anyone make fun of me, today a kid decided it was time.
I went to my youngest daughter's school for her Easter Hat Parade, as I was walking down the stairs at the school, I saw her and she yelled at some boy.....When I asked her what happened, she said the typical kid thing "nothing" I pushed because she looked so cranky and hurt.
"A tell me what happened"
"Jordan made a fat joke"
My heart sunk, I knew it must have been about me
"What did he say?"
"Mum no"
"A...tell me"
"He went like this (she puffed up her cheeks and used her arms to make the shape of a fat person and started waddle walking... and said) I'm A's mum give me some chocolate"
Wow, I was shocked, and hurt.
Today I was feeling good about myself, I'd had a really good swim this morning, pushed myself hard and cut 5 minutes off my 1km time. I was wearing dark denim jeans that I bought in a "Normal" shop and a white top. I thought I looked good :(
I suppose what shits me so much, is the well meaning people who say "You look good" "You're not overweight" blah blah blah when it's so obvious that I AM overweight. I know this kid is only 10, but kids tell the truth.
It totally destroyed every good feeling I had about myself, stupid little shit.
Haven't I had an awesome week!! oh yeah :)

Buckcherry song 6

Why is that when something goes wrong in your life, pain in other areas are amplified, or maybe the other pains have already been there, you just haven't felt miserable enough to feel them. Happy endorphans make the world a shinier place, so maybe that's why I haven't felt how bad the sharp pain in my arm is until now.
I broke my elbow skateboarding over 12 months ago, I have been in pain ever since, well maybe not the whole time, the last cortisone injection hurt like a bitch but the pain stayed away for a while, and now it's back, shooting pain down my right arm from my elbow to my wrist almost up to my little finger, but most of my hand actually feels quite numb. I'm starting to look forward to the surgery I'm supposed to be having soon that will hopefully fix it.
I wish I wasn't such an emotional person, I never used to be, I think it must have started when I had kids, but then stopped when I got divorced, I was depressed, and that was when I took pleasure in other people's pain, sounds horrible but it made me feel like my life wasn't so bad when someone was hurting worse than me. Websites like Rotten made me feel better, sad but true, if I could laugh at the photos there, it made my world a whole lot brighter, I'm sure there's some kind of psychological study there.
The emotions started again when I let myself fall in love. For four years he and I have been on and off, we lived together, I did everything to make his life easier. We had some really good times, no one makes me laugh like he does, I loved Thursday nights when he would come over and watch Amazing Race, it's the little things that mean everything to me. We had some shocking times too, especially when we were in court every fortnight for many months fighting his ex-wife so he could see his children, it cost us emotionally, physically and finacially, it also played a part in us breaking up, for the past 17 months we've been broken up, but we're still a constant in each others lives. I didn't understand why we still talked every day, saw each other often, and did 'couple things' but there couldn't be a committment. I needed that, I am so sick of not having anyone to share things with, to snuggle with and someone to just make me feel like I'm not alone in this world. I tried to start seeing someone else, I tried to get on with my life, but I wasn't treated so well, and I screwed up. I was made to feel like I had cheated, but how can you cheat on a friend, he has since apologised and I have accepted it, but his reaction still confuses me.
So I did something I've never done before, I gave an ultimatum, I know they're never good, but I can't stay friends, I read something that said that staying friends is masochistic, because you're allowed to see your "friend" but you're not allowed to have anything more than "friendship", and that can be painful.
We did it over and after dinner last night, listening to Buckcherry will never be the same. I'm glad we didn't go to the restaurant that we normally go to, I want to go back there oneday :)
Anyway the night ended in tears from both of us. He said "I love you" I said "You don't, don't say that" I wanted to scream it, but I didn't want the neighbours to hear. How can someone say I love you, but be prepared to let that person go? am I wrong in thinking that 17 months is a long time for a person to make up their mind?
It should be easy for me, there were things that happened that made me feel very low, I know I deserved better, I always hoped that I would get what I want, I suppose I will, just not yet and as hard as it is to admit... probably not from him.
We started as friends and we agreed that we will always be friends, that part of us will never change.

I made myself a man

I found a new toy, it doesn't need batteries either! (but it's not as much fun ;)
Virtual model
You can make a virtual model of yourself, it's supposedly so you can see what you'll look like in clothes before you buy them online, but I made a few of them, from my start weight down to my goal weight, going down in lots of 10kgs. I copied them all, front, side and back views so I can print them. I wanted to see how I'll look as the weight goes down and what I should look like when I'm done. Yes it would be easier to take photos, but I don't have anyone to do that for me at the moment and I don't really want to say to my daughters "come here and take photos of mummy in undies"
The other fun thing you can do with virtual model is you can make a guy, any kind of guy you want I know.. it's awesome isn't it!
How hot is my sexy boy! Ahh my life is so exciting.
So my virtual dummies are my thrill for the moment!
Well that and I passed my visual basic.net assessment so I don't have to do the fucker again.

Swimming has paid off!
Cos I found $2 at the bottom of the pool! yay for me!!

I am still loving swimming lots of laps. I bought some goggles because my eyes were aching, now I just need a swim cap, I have too much hair. Long, gorgeous, wavy, soft, blonde hair. If hairdressers consider below the shoulders to be long hair... then what do they think my waist length hair is???

Note to self...

I should check the tides, I should also read the news

Big friggin waves off coast

Check out the pic, I took it this morning, BEFORE I noticed the waves were big. Normally the pool is quite defined, there are rocks on three sides and a kiddy pool in the front.

I woke up about 6:20am, had an argument in my head about getting up while it's still mostly dark and the part of me that wants to be swimming in the dark won, the lazy bitch part gave in with a big mental yell of "FINE"
So I drive to the beach/pool, thinking I'm great and missing those summer mornings when the temperature is already 28 at 6am. First thing I see is a guy getting rescued off Dixon Park Beach. Ok waves are looking pretty darn big, that shouldn't matter to me though, I'm going in the pool, think again! the pool was getting swamped with big waves. I still wanted to go swimming cos the scales went down big time last night. There aren't many people swimming and there are no towels on the benches, guess why.. go on guess.. cos the waves were so big they were going over the pool, over the walkway and into the kiddy pool, and even though the walkway is covered in water I'm not smart enough to put my stuff anywhere but on a bench near the big pool, my stuff wont get wet, my thongs wont float away.
I didn't have far to go to get into the water, it was one big pool, I start swimming, whacked with a wave, yeah I can handle this, just like swimming in the ocean... the ocean has bitey things... hmm..waves are huge.. bitey things can get swept in with the big waves... oh shit...
now anyone who knows me, knows that I am freaked about swimming in anything that isn't a pool and isn't an area of water where I can see the bottom. I do go surfing (yes I have) and I do go swimming at the beach, but it's always in crystal clear water. I don't swim in creeks, lakes, rivers etc, unless I can see the bottom. If I am in dark scary water I panic. I was determined to keep swimming and not think about the great whites that could have been swept into the pool with the mega waves. Ok one lap done, turn around in enough time to see the water about 5cm below my stuff! oh shit again! I need to swim back quick.. pfft yeah right lol
When I was near my stuff another nice guy about 60 in speedos, laughed and said "oh the water got so close" ha ha ha "thought it was all going to get swept away"
wanker
Those couple of laps were tough, swimming against the waves was a good workout, and I regret not swimming more, but my clothes were wet and I do love my Roxy thongs, so I went home, but I am not defeated, I will be back there tomorrow.. when it's low tide ofcourse.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming la la la

I've had a little bit of a binge lately, and it's been fun, but it's also gone straight to .. well everywhere! Saint Patrick's day night was one of the best nights out I've had in years and the following week was a busy haze of tafe, junk food, and kid's things, so this morning I decided to go swimming, it was a quick decision cos I woke up at 8:30 and the girls were ready to leave for school, I don't normally sleep in, I'm usually up before 7, but the little darlings let me sleep, so while I was still half asleep I thought some laps would be a good idea.
I get to the pool and there were about 20 people doing laps. The ocean pool is awesome, it's huge, it's fed by the ocean (obviously) and it gets cleaned regularly. I stood there looking at it, lots of people, me not so sexy in swimmers... should I or shouldn't I?
A guy about 70 wearing speedos said "You should hurry up they're closing at 9:30 for cleaning"
"hmm... I should go home then" I say happily cos it means I get out of exercising
"NOoooo get your half an hour in" he was quite encouraging
And luckily he was, because instead of turning around and going home, I went down to the pool, undressed as quickly as possible and got in the water.
The best thing about living in Australia, is that even though it's autumn here, the water was beautiful! and I started swimming, and I swam for the half an hour I had left and I remembered how much I love swimming!
When I was younger I would go to that pool and swim laps for hours, I'd swim kilometres and love every moment of it. It was a bit harder today I didn't quite do a kilometre, but I was close!
When I got out of the water, I felt exhilerated! like I could jog home (not bloody likely though) I drove around Newcastle with a smile on my face and my heart beating a bazillion miles an hour cos I am so out of shape :) but I felt great.
I'll be back in the pool tomorrow morning before tafe, seriously!

Don't worry there wont be a nude calender

I am in so much pain!
On saturday my girls and I walked over to the shopping village in the next town, it's good exercise and there was a lingerie sale (I can't help it, I'm addicted) All my little darlings wanted was a soccer ball, B is a really good player, used to be on a school team when we lived in Wollongong, she really should be back on a team up here, something I need to look into. Ok, so anyway, we got the soccer ball and I got lingerie. We walk home past a huge park, so they want to play with the ball, I want to go home, they start kicking the ball around and pretty soon I've put down my bags and am kicking with them, barefoot and running around like a Matilda (exactly like one ok) We had so much fun! B keeps yelling "you're winning by losing mum!!"
(She'd read that on a fatty book)
So about an hour later we go home, my foot is bruised! I sit down on the lounge, they put a spongebob dvd on and pretty soon I'm fast asleep (huh?!) I didn't think kicking a ball around would exhaust me so much, I'm still a bit confused about that.
So the next day we decide to go and do it again (minus the lingerie shopping) I call D and ask him to bring his son C to play too (I know, my girls are A&B and we have D (the sweet guy) and his son C.. pity I didn't get my sister's name which starts with an E) This time I wore trackies (too sexy) and sneakers so I wouldn't bruise my foot, plus I had to have two pony tails just cos they're cute. So A, B, C, D and me played soccer for a couple of hours and I'm still "winning by losing" and today I'm sore! ouch ouch ouch even my butt hurts!
It didn't stop me going lingerie shopping today though hehehe
My mummy and I went to Tuggerah outlet stores, bras and things have really cheap stuff, I bought the el fako leather stuff, corset with matching g-string (I'll have to buy a riding crop, I have the FM boots already) my poor mummy almost needed to be revived "why are you buying that?!"
"Because if I am going away for a dirty weekend, then I want to make it worth his while" I said
"But but but" poor mum "wont you sweat in that?"
"no mum I doubt it will be on for long... why don't you get one and make dad's year?"
It cost me all of $9.95, I need to do something about this lingerie thing, I have to stop buying it!!!

My other big thrill of the day is going into Jeans West and trying on a normal pair of jeans, not the biggest size in the store, and they fit! I pulled them up, they got over my arse and they did up comfortably! even though there were thinny mirrors in the dressing room.. I looked good, I wanted to cry and run out screaming "look at me!!! normal jeans from a jeans shop!!!! not fat fake size 16 jeans from a fat chick shop!!!" See there's a thing happening at fat chick shops, 16/26 and fat options at target (I'm still allowed to call it that) size their clothes to make us sexy fat chicks feel good, I fit into size 16 jeans at 16/26 and fat options, but do you think I could fit into a 16 pair of jeans at jeans west or just jeans? hell nooooo, so fitting into jeans at a 'normal' shop is my biggest recent achievement, well that and not dying after playing soccer yesterday :)

I'm all Better now :)

Ok so I got over my little drama from a couple of weeks ago. Should I tell you what it was over? yeah why not, it was about a guy, someone I thought I liked, so I went all "16 and lost my first boyfriend" ha
It wasn't about losing him that I was most upset about, I did the "you need to leave thing", I was more upset about getting myself into that stupid situation
We weren't dating, you know why?...because you can't really date a guy WHEN HE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE! BASTARD!
It was good for weight loss though, probably because of all the friggin tears I cried over that bastard!!

My weight has gone up a little bit, but I don't really care, I know... surprising, but my sister and 1 yr old nephew flew back to Holland so we had 3 days of saying good bye with awesome food, and gee I make a good tiramisu :D

The best way to get over a bastard is to go lingerie shopping! and didn't I buy some sexy stuff whoo! some black stuff, some fish nets, some pretty blue stuff and some stilettos to match!

So the original happy me is back, much happier and still absolutely stunning ;)
Thanks to my friend D who listened to me cry even though he loves me
xx

I have a confession....

weight- 89.9kgs
pounds- 198
feeling? low

I'm supposed to be happy right? my weight is down, I think I look better, but I feel terrible, I am so miserable right now I don't know what to do. I have to be honest about this.
I've got too many things on my mind, I know I should deal with them, and get over them but I don't want to talk about them.
I wonder if anyone has been paying attention to my weight, not so much the people that see me every day but the people who read this and can see what my weight is. Ok how's this, my weight has gone down over 4 kilos in the past week and a half. Now even I know that isn't normal. The thought of eating makes me sick, my tummy is a mess, I have a pesonal issue that needs to be sorted so I can be me again, but I don't know what to do, I don't want to write about it because it's just wrong. It's effecting me at home, at tafe, in everything, I can't stop thinking about it, and this in turn is making my mind go back to years ago when I would punish myself for my mistakes by not eating, or I would eat and then feel guilty for doing so, like I didn't deserve food because I've been naughty or something. Please don't think my parent's punished me by withholding meals or anything like that, they didn't!
I don't know why I did it years ago, I remember when I was doing a course at tafe and I got a question wrong in a test, it was the easiest question on the test, I went home and I took almost a whole packet of laxatives, I remember feeling happy when I got tummy cramps and feeling 'empty' made me feel better, so I kept doing it.
I haven't eaten breakfast in weeks, I haven't eaten lunch either, I did yesterday (Wednesday) because I was a bit dizzy probably because I hadn't eaten since Sunday. I didn't enjoy it and I pretty much skipped dinner. I usually eat dinner though, and it's a healthy meal. But during the day I can't bring myself to have more than a coffee in the morning and some vegetable juice.

I cry too much, I can't control my emotions, sometimes I hear myself slurring when I talk, I'm so tired but some nights I get four hours sleep. I can't be proud of myself for my weightloss, I am failing myself, I know I am, I guess this is just going to take time. I don't know what to do, I'm a bit lost.

Guess what?

I did it :)
I really really did it.
I have been waiting a few days to post this because I wanted it to be true, I didn't want to go up and down.
I finally reached 2 important goals in the one week!!.

I have lost 10 kilos!!!!!
and I am finally under 200 pounds!!!!!!

YAY! doesn't seem so exciting in text but to me it means so much.

I am now down to 90.5, I've been that way for a few days, and I can't stop smiling :D

I've set myself a list of goals, my next one is obvious, it's to be under 90, which should hopefully be sometimes this week.
I can't believe how different I am with only losing 10 kgs, if I only had 10 to lose that would be great but I'm still carrying 30 too many. I've shared this information with lots of friends and they don't believe I still have that much to go. Are they serious or trying to make me feel better about the fat that remains?
The changes

1. I'm not that uncomfortable in this friggin heat
2. I have lost loads of centimetres/inches (feet??)
3. I sleep better
4. I look better
5. Guys are noticing I exist (or am I noticing guys are noticing that I exist?)
6. My skin is glowing
7. My period is getting regular (good or bad??? sometimes it's nice going 3 months without one)
8. I am laughing out loud more often
9. I can buy clothes in normal shops, in the larger sizes but still.... bye bye fat chick shops YAY!!!!!
   
10. ummm... oh yeah! energy, I have some :)
    

At the moment nothing feels better than taking something out of my wardrobe that I haven't been able to wear and then doing it up for the first time in years.
It wont be long and I'll be a sexy bitch again ;)

I'm a BIG loser!

So hands up who watched Australia's Biggest Loser tonight? did you ridicule them or did you cry with them? I'm a crier, I sympathised with all of them. They are going to cop it for eating their last dinners, and while B and I joked that we would avoid the stuff on the table and head straight for the deserts on the surrounding tables.. I knew in my heart that they were doing what every other fat person has done before starting a diet. It's like a last supper, so many thoughts go through your mind before embarking on that long weight loss journey... "oh well it wont matter, I'll be dieting tomorrow" "I wont be able to eat this again so I might as well enjoy it now" so please don't judge these people, not everyone is strong. I've also been reading some critisisms in the Sunday Herald, from nutritionists etc about how terrible it is that these people are being humiliated. My opinion on that is, for some people who have tried everything else and haven't been able to stick to it, humiliation is the best motivation, put it infront of them and make them see exactly what they have become. I am allowed to say this because it wasn't really until I saw my DEXA scan that I felt completely humiliated, I couldn't even fit on the machine that was there to measure fat people!!!! That humiliation motivated me, I still have the second fat scan picture to look at, I finally fit on the table then :) While anorexics think they look fat, so many fat people don't think they really are THAT fat. Looking in the mirror didn't help me, I have thinny mirrors, I've never looked really overweight in the mirrors, and clothing size didn't mean much, size 22? pfft atleast it wasn't 28. So anyway, while I was crying through Biggest Loser, I looked at my elyptical walker, which is currently standing demon like next to the tv unit with a towel and B's school shirt hanging off it, and B and I agreed that while BL is on I should use that devil machine, so for 30 minutes a day I'm going to push myself while they work their butts off on tv. Hopefully I'll lose 10kgs in 10 weeks! HAHAHAHA, you never know, I just might.

Say hello to Devil Machine

Nigel No More!!

I have finished my first week back at school, well TAFE which stands for... umm... technical a fuckit e, ok I have no idea what it stands for, it's school for big people to learn trades and skills, and I am there MAKING FRIENDS!!! I am not a tragic Nigel no friends, but my BFF (I've started 'school' and now I am 12 again) lives in Nelson Bay which is about 40 minutes from here. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when we go to break and they ask me to join them! I'm so used to being at work and having lunch alone, and being treated like I am inferior by customers, so this is really nice.
I was even asked out!!! actually I should be there now, but I'm not completely comfortable going out on a date kind of thing yet, but it felt good being asked, nice guy, looks a bit like Adam Sandler, sits with me in our classes, he's also asked to me to format his hard drive HAHAHA... we're studying IT, minds out of gutter please.

My confidence has grown in the last few weeks, it's amazing what leaving a bad job can do for your self esteem. You might notice I've changed the picture, gone is my chubby face and hello! there's a pic of me in something red and black, but who knows... it might change again. The only reason I put that pic there is because I am proud of myself, I bought that corset about 7 months ago, hoping that one day I would be able to do it up and guess what? I can finaly do it up :) and I will show it off for a little while atleast until I am game enough to show my shapely butt ;)

It's been a difficult year for me, first I break my elbow and wrist and then my weight went up and up. I was lucky I bought that paper in March 2005 and saw that article about the PCOS study, I might have weighed 130kgs now instead of 91 if I hadn't seen the article. I know I still have a lot to lose, but so many aspects of my life have improved, from my relationship with my girls to my thoughts about myself, so even though it's taken me the better part of a year to lose 10kgs, the other changes in my life make the weight loss seem like I've already reached my goal. Don't worry, I wont lose sight of where I want to be at the end of this year, but feeling good about myself is something I haven't felt in a long time x

New Year, New Me... hang on didn't I say that last year?

Weight: 91.7kgs
201.7 pounds
Job: none
Happiness: loads :)

Well...I guess it's time to look at last year and figure out what went wrong, I am trying to convince myself that it's because of this shitty disorder that I am still overweight. I thought I would be a much nicer shape by now, I didn't think I would still be spending my Saturday nights alone, but shock horror, guess what my plans are for this Saturday night are?! 2 hours of the Gilmore Girls!!!! yeah I know, awesome!
So what was holding me back last year?
one thing that comes to mind was my awful job, so that job is no more. I am currently unemployed about to go back to studying, I am really excited about it :)
I worked for a horrible little hobbit of a man, who hated me, the feeling was mutual. Small man syndrome does exsist, because he has it. Such a pompous prick. What kind of employer says this...

Me: "D.... I'd like some holidays please, to spend some time with my daughters"
D....: "What would they want to spend time with you for"

See.. asshole!

I left work last thursday, and I feel so much better about myself. Looking back through my blog I can see that I only lost about 2 kilos the whole time I was at work, I lost most of my weight when I was off work with my broken arm.
And now that I am not working I've already lost 2 kilos. It must have been that job that was holding me back, my job was very physical, lots of heavy lifting, on my feet all day, but also very stressful, I was never really eating the wrong things, so I don't know what happened. But as soon as I leave there, the weight is coming off again :)

I was told last night that I look relaxed, that for the past 8 months I've walked around looking pissed off, and now I look calm. I am not struggling with junk food, I am quite happy to eat healthy foods, and I'm even wearing much nicer more figure hugging clothes :)
I don't really care about being single, no honestly I don't, love will come to me, whether it be someone new or someone I already know.

This year WILL be my year :)